I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
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