i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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