3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
