Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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