this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Randomize
