I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Couch. On fire.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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