Do you still have your period?
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
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