so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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