After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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