Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't put those talents on a resume
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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