Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
