I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
