Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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