I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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