Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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