Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Of course I have a pirate flag
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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