Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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