i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
