Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
