Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
