it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
