Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
