the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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