This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Don't tell me you're on acid again
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
