when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Randomize
