Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
