My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
