new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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