isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Text me some of your sweat
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
