I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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