I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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