I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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