i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
It's shark week go big or go home
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
Randomize
