It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
