Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
