I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She bit a glass in half.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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