I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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