A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
