if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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