Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
