Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
