I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
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