peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
