I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
