it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
