how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
