I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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