"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
