I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
