why im i the only drunk person in the library?
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You need a sexual gate keeper
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
