I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
